It's not just me.
I thought that it was for a long time... just me and people with something terribly wrong- like Alzheimer"s or Brain Cancer. But it's not.
I'm not the only one with a problem thinking straight. There's this mush inside my head most of the time that keeps me from thinking clearly. Sometimes caffeine seems to help. Lots of other drugs have seemed to make a difference too- some keeping things clear, some fending off distraction, others keeping the nagging sense that everything is NOT okay at bay. There just might be something terribly wrong inside my head but I'm really beginning to doubt it.
When the smoke clears and I sit awhile without any distractions to keep me from really thinking the thing through, realization creeps in. The awareness descends upon me that all of this has happened before. All the stories and struggles are just repeats of the ones that have gone on before. There really is nothing new under the sun. The obstacles may be a different verse or even a new tune- but it's all just one version or another of the same old song.
To be sure, the latest version is unlike anything our forefathers knew. "Too much on my plate" has a significant technology bias at this particular juncture in history, but too much is too much.
Right now my too much looks something like this:
Maybe most of the thinking going on in my life is not really happening inside of my own skull. Having fifteen windows open and seven conversations going on at once and no real clue where I'm headed unless a sultry programmed voice gives me turn by turn directions isn't using my gray matter as it was intended. This isn't about worry that smartphones have taken away my ability to think for myself- I'm old enough to have realized something was going awry long before I looked to my own palm for the answer to everything.
Our great great grandparents did not have to worry about operating systems or keeping up with the menu of anyone on the other side of the planet. But the hearts of the matter are unchanged; we are overwhelmed with our own circumstances and those of others we care about.
I've spent enough time in a group setting, trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what's wrong with the world, and why things just never seem to go my way. I've spent more than my fair share of time trying to figure out why other people aren't seeing clearly. Is it their upbringing, their medication or need of medications, disease process, or pathology?
What's happening in my head is the same as what has happened in the hearts and minds of millions who have gone before me. Millions are going through it right now. Maybe millions more will have to endure as well.
We are all asking these questions deep down in the dark somewhere: What is it all about? How do I fit in? How and When will it end? Do I matter? Will I make a difference? ..and the all important, What's for dinner?
It's the magical and the mundane. It's too many and too much and too tired to do anything about it. It's what is swirling around in my mind- and it's not just me.