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All that really matters.

There are only two things that really matter to me right now.  1. Making sure that my partner and children know that I love them, and  2. Te...



I've been reading The Gifts of Imperfection again.  Whenever I read or watch Brene Brown I'm inspired... to think, to try at relationships, to write, and to sit in the closet and eat cookies until the feelings go away.
She gets me into trouble every time, so I don't know why I keep picking up her books.  Maybe it's because she occasionally slips in a curse word.  (I fucking LOVE cursing, but it's frowned upon by almost every establishment to which I am associated.)  Her writing wouldn't be what I would call my favorite.  As she says in Gifts, "I'll tell the story of how a cynical , smart-ass academic became every bit of the stereotype that she spent her entire adult life ridiculing....who spends days contemplating things like grace, love, gratitude, creativity, authenticity...".  The subject matter makes me simultaneously want to wretch and share her level of expertise.  Her books sit on my nightstand and collect dust because I hit a chapter and put them down with intentions of never thinking on the subject matter again.  I hate it.   But I love her.
That's probably how she gets me into trouble.  She has that rare quality of likability despite my lack of adoration for her life's work.  My desire is to know what she knows without having to study, experience, or sully my current pathologies with her experiential wisdom.  It's somehow akin to wanting to know the details of the car wreck without having to experience it or even pull over and help.  She is one of my "Imaginary Friends"- she is real but our friendship isn't.

So there's my Authenticity.  I am a shitty person who thinks awful things and doesn't really even WANT to be connected... but then I sulk and hate myself because I haven't many friends.  (Except imaginary ones.  I have tons of those.)  I'm the worst kind of friend; there for a while and then gone forever... unless I need a favor or finally feel the guilt of having abandoned all of my friends who have been so there for me and loving even while I've been unlovable.

Instead of calling all sorts of long lost friends and trying to make connections that I will only let fall by the wayside within a week I have decided to piddle at this blog.  Maybe I'll invite all of the friends who have been my everything for a season to come read how much they mean to me here.  That would save me the whole messy connection bit.  I really want to love others well... it's just the bit of having to actually spend time with others that stops me.  I feel completely overwhelmed by the idea of making plans and following through with them.  Shooting a blog post once every several months is much more my speed.  So that is where I'm starting. This is my cast into the river.... I'll throw out my line this one time and then just sit here until I summon the courage to try again.  

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