what matters

What matters to me right now? 
 Telling the story only I can tell

 I have to get it out, I'm the only one who can tell my story.
I know too many people who can't tell their own.
Maybe they can share mine to express what they each desperately need to tell too.

There are so many lonely people; some partners, some are parents, some are reading this now. 
We aren't able to love our "loved ones" well.  I ache for those on BOTH ends of this broken connection; the unloved and the unloving.
If you are the one convinced that YOU are unlovable because
your parents
or your partner
or friends didn't love you like they should, please know...

it's not you, it's them.

How do I know?  Because I am them.

I am a parent who desperately loves her children-
but I have a hard time showing it in ways that they can feel and enjoy.
I love my partner with my whole heart and soul- but I struggle to make that felt or known.

It's not them,
           it's me.

They are not broken or unlovable.  I am broken and unloving.

"It's not YOU.... it's them."

I say again, if you believe you are unlovable; you are wrong.  You have received bad information.
This is the kind of thing that gets passed down, spreads like cancer, infects entire families and generations.
Because I am busted- they believe they are.  When they believe it- they don't love themselves or believe they are lovable.
Unless something big happens this cycle continues.

The other chain that will continue to be unbroken unless drastic measures are taken is the silence.
Others who know they are the same as me are unable to speak up.
They can't tell the stories and so they hide.
They don't have the words -and when they do have the words they are unspeakable.

Shame, anger, guilt, and fear keep us silent.
Well, not anymore.
This is about to get real.

I am telling the truth- from every side of the story that I can.
I have tales to tell and I'm spilling them here.
I can speak to the child who felt unloved because dad wasn't there.
I can talk about the pain of knowing I was unloved and unwanted.
Injury, Abuse, Illness- I got it covered.
I'm not covering up any more.

And it's because of you.  There are just too many of you out there suffering in silence.
There are too many people that whisper to me, "I've never told anybody this before..."
then tell the same stories I've heard a thousand times-
of childhood abuse, or family trauma, or secret addiction.

So here is where I will tell a thousand stories.
I've been afraid and too lazy and had excuses until now.
Now I will tell my stories; for my kids, my partner, for my own sanity, and for you.

Because I have realized this is what really matters.